We could always be sure of finding the enemy on the Low Road. There was no need to look anywhere else for the evil bastard. He had the fighting instincts of a badger trapped by hounds. The badger will roll over on its back and emit a smell of death, which confuses the dogs and lures them in for the traditional ripping and tearing action. But it is usually the badger who does the ripping and tearing. It is a beast that fights best on its back: rolling under the throat of the enemy and seizing it by the head with all four claws."

- Hunter S. Thompson 

One of my guilty pleasures a time back was viewing the entertaining parody of small-town Western life featured in "Prescott Place." In reading the misadventures of a state noted for violating the sensibilities of all those to the left of Richie Incognito and George Zimmerman, I saw a real-life mayor who reminded me of the "Mayor Kooky" featured in that fictional cartoon universe. And I thought what that "Mayor Kooky" would say after being called out by a Federal District Court Judge. for acting "willfully and in bad faith, and thus, with a culpable state of mind. ". If you think Nixon and the eighteen-minute tape erasure in a tape was "Kooky", try claiming that you cannot send or delete your own e-mails in Federal Court. Like "Tricky" himself, someone might need a good resignation speech. Here's one, just in case.

Good Evening:

In all the decisions I have made in my public life, I have always tried to do what was best for the Good Old Boy Network running this community as well as myself. Throughout the long and difficult period of Kookygate, I have felt it was my duty to persevere, to make every possible effort to complete the term of office to which a small handful of registered voters elected me. 

In the past few days, however, it has become evident to me that I no longer have a strong enough political base amongst the County Republican Party, much less certain rich landowners, to justify continuing my efforts. As long as there was a group of enablers left, I felt it necessary to see if it would blow over, as to do otherwise would be dangerously destabilizing for the future of our petty and venal ruling junta, much less our ability to bully and rule by fear. 

But with the disappearance of my support and a Federal Court finding I am personally liable for my legal fees, due to evidence spoliation, I now believe there's no longer a need for my misery to be prolonged. In addition, I cannot afford to pay my hired gun attorney his six figured legal fees. 

I would have preferred to carry through to the end, whatever agony it involved for my community, and my campaign operatives unanimously urged me to do so. As personal considerations have always come before any consideration of the public interest, I decided to get out before yet another lawsuit comes to pass. 

From discussions I've had with City Leaders (as always in violation of the Open Meetings Act) at the Eagles and several other local watering holes, I have concluded that because of Kookygate, I might not have the support of the rehab house owners, necessary to carry out the duties of this office in the way the special interests of the Good Old Boy's requires. 

To continue to fight through the months ahead without my legal fees being paid by taxpayers, would totally absorb my attention in a period where our focus should be on the great issues of personal asset protection abroad and creation of litigation sheltering LLC’s at home. 

Therefore, I shall resign the Mayor’s office, effective noon tomorrow. The Vice Mayor will be sworn in that hour at the Eagle's’s Fraternal club. 

As I recall the high hopes with which we began this third term, I feel a great sadness that I will not be here in this office working on the behalf of my landowning friends to achieve personal enrichment, over the next 21/2 years. But in turning over the direction of the Government to the Vice Mayor, I know, that the Constitution will be frequently mentioned at Council while securing the unemployment of those exercising the First Amendment behind the scenes.

As he assumes that responsibility, he will deserve the help and the support of the few of us left alive. As we look to our limited actuarial future, it's essential to open the wounds of this city further, to escalate the bitterness and divisions of the past to a higher level, and to rediscover the lack of ideas that lie at the heart of our strength and unity as "Everybody's Hometown". 

To those who are Gay, Hispanic, Black, or a recently widowed “neat little lady, you still had better watch out. Our City Facilities Director is still around to lay down the law along with one very angry recovering bread truck driver on City Council. And our police still have those battering rams as well. Be Scared. BE VERY SCARED. 

I regret the injuries done to me in the course of events that led to this decision. I would say only that none of my judgments have ever been wrong, and they were made in the best interest of the local Republican Party, my donors, and my shielded assets. 

To those who have run from me during these difficult months, my family, my few friends, and those few supporting my cause because it benefited their business interests, I will be eternally grateful for your financial support of my defense fund. And let me say I leave with bitterness and contempt towards all who have opposed me and those concerned with the good of the community. 

For my political career has not been about you. it has always been all about me. Serving as mayor has created a personal sense of hatred towards each and every resident who believes I possess an IQ sufficient to send and delete e-mails. In leaving office, I do so with one prayer: May you all rot in hell.


Remember this famous quote? "....a land in which women would be forced into back-alley abortions, blacks would sit at segregated lunch counters rogue police could break down citizens' doors in midnight raids, schoolchildren could not be taught about evolution writers and artists could be censored at the whim of the Government... " 

When he said those words, Ted Kennedy was trying to scare the bejeezus out of us about a scary alternate history if the Senate confirmed Robert Bork. Little did he know it happened anyway. And they really do call one of those places....."Everybody's Hometown." Each day has been an Orwellian Moment since the Civil War. 




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